Showing posts with label satire. Show all posts
Showing posts with label satire. Show all posts

Monday, August 30, 2010

So much for swingin'...

Swing electorate my arse. I guess I got a little ahead of myself in the election lead up...
TWO CANDIDATE PREFERRED Polling Places Returned: 93 of 93 Turnout: 86.63%
CandidatePartyVotesThis Election (%)Last Election (%)Swing (%)
MAXFIELD, ChristineAustralian Labor Party35,33345.4745.21+0.26
BROADBENT, RussellPrevious MemberLiberal42,37154.5354.79-0.26
Because the only thing swinging right now is Russel Broadbent's third term goolies.

And rightly so - if you haven't seen this man speak publicly, pencil it in. Compared to some efforts on the national level: 100% pure statesman - even when he's talking about cows. Were McMillian safe liberal territory he'd surely have his own portfolio, although something tells me it wouldn't be Immigration:

"We are suffering a drought in this nation and it is my fervent prayer that the rains would fall to fill our rivers and streams, our lakes and our dams so that each raindrop would form a mighty flood that is so full of compassion and justice that it would not only soften the parched earth but also soften the nation's heart." (speech to House of Representatives, 9.8.06. Martin Luther King's estate has since sued for breach of copyright)

But all great men have their weakness. Russell found his when someone gave him an action contract and a teleprompter...

Notice how the boats part is missing? Awkward.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Steve Fielding "wandered the streets of Warragul"

I opened the Baw Baw Shire and West Gippsland Trader (26.8.10) this morning, to be greeted by none other than the bestest senator in the whole wide world - Family First's Steve Fielding - whipping up a whirlwind of support out front of The Courthouse restaurant on Smith Street.

How in hell did I miss this?

The article, 'Underdog pays local visit' said "one local, while waiting for his wife, even got out of the warmth of his car when he recognised the federal senator and cautiously asked - "are you who I think you are.(sic)"

I tell ya - they're wild for him in these parts. Had I been there, I would've stripped down to undies and dry humped his leg all the way to the post office. Such is the conviction of my infatuation.

Local McMillan Family First candidate Linden Stokes' presence was largely missed, he was obviously being mobbed by screaming fans elsewhere..

Now, take a deep breath, and prepare yourself for rapture:

"We want to get the message out that people have two votes because they don't understand that. Their vote is important and that's where family first is important"

The first sentence is self explanatory: we all know that only those blessed with philanthropic brainpower like Steve's are capable of understanding why we have two votes.

But there's no denying the genius inherent in the second. It took me a couple of reads, but I think I finally cracked it. Let me break it down for you:

'their vote' = important, 'family first' = important, therefore we should've voted for Family First.

Understandably overwhelmed, the local press weren't able to gather their starstruck thoughts and report until three editions of local rag later (two Traders and a Gazette). His belated message rang loud and clear for readers, and I'm sure will be kept in mind all the way until the next election.

I wonder if he dropped in on Chairo Christian College in Drouin to talk creationism...


Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Swingin' in McMillan: Election 2010

In the hours before Gillard's much hyped Monday night appearance on ABC's Q&A, Yarragon was treated to its own candidate forum, with four of the five McMillan parties represented.

The event, organised and hosted by local members of grassroots advocacy group GetUp, attracted a healthy (albeit elderly) crowd at Yarragon Hall.

As you can see, 'twas an action packed affair:

David cautioned candidates to curb their enthusiasm multiple times.

Christine Maxfield (ALP) dorked it up with an official Labor name tag, in the most non-genuine effort of the evening. Employing the exact approach that’s been turning voters off nation wide, Christine parroted well-known Labor campaign catch phrases, bringing the room to a collective cringe with "a vote for you local liberal candidate is a vote for Tony Abbott" - on three separate occasions (I heard someone choking on their own reflux next to me). But her highlight of the evening came when sharing her concerns on the 'risks' of soil carbon, and who would be responsible for its safe management if a farmer's moves off their land? (Malcom quickly enlightened her with a little something called 'science')

Linden Stokes (Family First) did not reply to Getup's invitation, but sent along their mascot Scribble Squabble. Frankly, it was out of it's depth.

Malcolm McKelvie (Greens) made his sustainable presence felt early – getting up from the panel to close the entrance door, instantly improving energy efficiency. Confidence lacked early on, but
came through with the goods on mental health, bringing his experience as Yarragon's GP into the foray. Then (with the home turf advantage) made us feel warm and fuzzy, identifying the kitchen directly behind the panel where he helps out with a community youth initiative. Then it got to climate change. While Russell and Christine spent their time waxing political/economical on the issue, Malcom got up and dropped some more of that 'science' on the table, leaving the rest for dead in the wake of ideology by which The Greens define themselves. Malcom eyeballed journos making sure they made note of his moment of glory.

Leigh Gatt (Independant) The 27 y.o. Moe sign writer quickly established himself as the wildcard of the evening, coming out with a '
puppet of the people' pitch; to enforce what the majority wants. Preceding each stated position with 'this is just my opinion...', Gatt showed no vision, or aura of leadership. To say that he struggled to capture the hearts and minds of an audience that was mostly pushing 60, is an understatement.

Gatt - Plays of the Day:

1. “Those who arrive by plane get put back on a plane. Those who arrive by boat get sent back on a boat. Boat they arrived on gets sunk” (thus concluding his entire contribution to the asylum seeker debate)

2. Gatt appealed to the electorate’s sci-fi boffins, alluding to a future possibility of 'fish zoning' (as an alternative to marine national parks)

3. “I've lived in the Valley a long time and it hasn't affected me yet” (talking on the affects of climate change, and Latrobe Valley coal fired power stations)


Russel Broadbent (incumbent Liberal) started off with a sook, claiming Green McMillan preferences going to Labor was a ‘shock’ to him (I guess he missed the news). While waiting his turn, his posture was sinister – slowly sizing up the crowd, finger tips touching Mr Burn’s style – and other times borderline senile - slouched, absent eyed, staring at the ceiling. But when Russell hit the floor, he blew the house down. With deep grandfatheral tones of authority, and convincing hand gestures punctuating each point, there was no doubting his dominant presence over the panel. At one point he was hands-on-hips lecturing, another contemptuously over-speaking the timer bell by almost a minute (it took three rings to get him down).

But the money grab of the night came when Russell strongly asserted; 'I’m more likely to get voted in than the rest of you.' I’m not kidding – the man was on fire. He even played the older audience demographic, prefacing his solution for the overall lack of youth societal contribution with the view that "the youth have no hope”, to which many a head around me nodded in agreement. If Russell gets in for a third term, I foresee myself developing an unhealthy infatuation with the man.

Potential love affairs aside, climate change was where the night was at. A good third of the forum was dedicated to the topic, and the crowd, in true Baw Baw form, were particularly prickly about the issue. Malcom and Russell went head to head; Nature vs Economics. Fundamentally incompatible, always entertaining.

It was unfortunate however to see such a poor attendance of Gen Y - I was one of about five. Hell, even Gen X only managed a poor excuse for a 'presence', which is ironic considering one of the most contentious issues currently, climate change, will directly affect the younger generations. The apparent disengagement of local youth from politics is disconcerting.

Before moving to Baw Baw, I've lived in an electorate that's been held by the Nationals since 1922. It's great to be finally in the company of swingers.

...
Latrobe Valley Express forum coverage:
...

PS - I managed to score me a nifty souvenir of the event: David Stratton's review notes!

Looks like I'm not the only one appreciative of Russell's thespian talents.