Bastions of Baw Baw: Network Video Members - Warragul

When I'd just about come to the conclusion that Warragul was a cultural wasteland, akin to that of Canberra, a small but poignant moment brought warm restorational hope flooding back into my heart yesterday: 

For those of you who wouldn't know exquisite cultural offerings if they were served to you on an ivory cushion, shed your unsophisticated prejudices and open your mind as I direct your attention to the above DVD covers:  the compositions only hint at the complexities within each narrative, requiring multiple viewings and intellectual dissemination to fully understand and comprehend the genius of the filmakers.

It is now my mission to hunt down and befriend these individuals renters, these high-art connoisseurs, for they are truly Bastions. Over a Cuban and an open fireplace, we shall debate carnivorial symbolism long into the night... 

Now pour yourself a glass of elitist wine, sample these fine offerings, and help us put high culture back on the agenda in Baw Baw. 

The spoils of war...

Instigated by a need to show that gripes and hissy-fits aren’t all I’m about, I believe a bit of positive blogging on the delicacies of local life is on the cards.

In the weeks just passed, Shire fringe dweller Trafalgar felt the need to remind us of its existence with it's 'Battle of Trafalgar Festival'. This particular shindig began in 2005 - the bicentenary of a naval battle off Cape Trafalgar, on the southern coast of Spain, in which the British Royal Navy wiped the ocean floor with the wreckage of 22 French and Spanish ships. It was one of the biggest naval shellackings in history; not a single British vessel was lost. Some tech savvy Spaniard peasant live blogged the events as they unfolded from the shoreline.

The Battle of Trafalgar, as Seen from the Mizen Starboard Shrouds of the Victory.
  Willliam Turner 1806-1808. Oil on canvas. Tate Gallery, London, UK.

In Trafalgar 2010 however, not a single galleon was lost. For a festival that is named after an epic sea battle, I would suggest some kind mock battle in the outdoor pool with rubber dingies and pitchforks. At the very least, the local community of 35 y.o. men still living in their parent's basements could stage a recreation with their Man O'War sets (not to be confused their other Man O'War collection)

   My Dad always scoffed at small town festivals:

“Only towns without character hold festivals.” 

   I don't think Trafalgians should loose any skin over this one, as Dad himself only has character when holding a beverage or two... 

Merit permitting, any town can hold it's head up high over festivities held. But in judging merit, one must determine if the bare minimum requirements of a rip-roaring communal gathering are met:

Were lurid acts of public nudity encouraged?      Fail.

 Was the mayor carried home in a wheelbarrow? Fail. 

 Was anyone burnt at the stake?                            Fail.    

                                                                           

Traffers however found itself making up ground with a nifty town wide garage sale. Once mapped up, festival goers could make their way to one of the 50+ households who opened their carports up to public scrutiny, presenting multitudes of useless crap, adorned with price stickers and contrived anecdotes of how much use and joy said items have brought them over the years.

I'm a dead set sucker for useless crap. Check out my swag:

45" Single: The Proclaimers - 500 Miles

 7" Singles: Cyndi Lauper, Split Endz, Moscow, Cliff Richard

Wicked texta drawing of baked women getting dinked on bike by hideously disproportionate partner. 

Digital set top box & DVD Player/Recorder

And last but not least, quite possibly the most bitchin' action figurine ever to come in my possession: with 26 points of articulation, there is no move this Spidey cannot bust. The kid I bought it off for $2 got burnt. Big time. 

A message to the Baw Baw Shire Council...

GET A LIFE.

Mayor Adam Tyson: Hard Arse S.O.B.

He may be new, he may be young, but by God - don't even think of pulling the wool over the Mayor's eyes. 

As reported by ABC Local yesterday, a crack squad of undercover minors caught out 70% of tobacco retailers in the Shire selling to under 18s. Adam left no illusions as to the flavour of authority he'd be dishing out over this one; mark his words - the gauntlet is coming off:

DO NOT PISS THIS MAN OFF

"We've basically laid down the gauntlet to the retailers now to say, 'look, you've been caught out. We want you to educate yourselves on why you shouldn't be doing this'."

The Shire will be running free education programs in November. "Council did not want to give the impression it was a revenue raising program."

Just fine the weasels Adam, and give us a discount on our rates notices. I just got mine yesterday, and I'M gonna have to start selling ciggies to kids @ 50 cents on the dollar to pay for the bastard.


http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2010/09/28/3023635.htm?site=gippsland&section=news

Father's Day lament...

Along the banks of Hazel Creek in Warragul, ducks are in the thick of breeding season.

While a time of love and nurture, it's also full of stupid; ducks are notorious for underestimating the power of a vehicle 2000 times its weight (I took one out myself recently when it flew straight into the undercarriage of my 4WD).

For the last couple of weeks, a drake skittled on Bowen St has been lying next to the creek walking track. While walking my dog of an evening, I've noticed its partner turn up to loiter quietly for 15 minutes or so, as if it's going to wake up again.

This has been happening every evening for the past week without fail. Common wisdom is that ducks mate for life.

Fair dinkum puller of the heart string.

.........................................................................................................................................................................

Among my browsings to confirm whether ducks in fact were monogamous, I instead discovered they were sexual psychopaths:

'He forcibly picked into the back, the base of the bill and mostly into the back of the head of the dead mallard for about two minutes, then mounted the corpse and started to copulate, with great force, almost continuously picking the side of the head.'

http://www.guardian.co.uk/education/2005/mar/08/highereducation.research

Never trust a duck.

So much for swingin'...

Swing electorate my arse. I guess I got a little ahead of myself in the election lead up...

Australian Electoral Commission

TWO CANDIDATE PREFERRED Polling Places Returned: 93 of 93 Turnout: 86.63%

Candidate	Party	Votes	This Election (%)	Last Election (%)	Swing (%)
MAXFIELD, Christine	Australian Labor Party	35,333	45.47	45.21	+0.26
BROADBENT, Russell	Liberal	42,371	54.53	54.79	-0.26

Because the only thing swinging right now is Russel Broadbent's third term goolies.

And rightly so - if you haven't seen this man speak publicly, pencil it in. Compared to some efforts on the national level: 100% pure statesman - even when he's talking about cows. Were McMillian safe liberal territory he'd surely have his own portfolio, although something tells me it wouldn't be Immigration:

"We are suffering a drought in this nation and it is my fervent prayer that the rains would fall to fill our rivers and streams, our lakes and our dams so that each raindrop would form a mighty flood that is so full of compassion and justice that it would not only soften the parched earth but also soften the nation's heart." (speech to House of Representatives, 9.8.06. Martin Luther King's estate has since sued for breach of copyright)

But all great men have their weakness. Russell found his when someone gave him an action contract and a teleprompter...

Notice how the boats part is missing? Awkward.

Steve Fielding "wandered the streets of Warragul"

I opened the Baw Baw Shire and West Gippsland Trader (26.8.10) this morning, to be greeted by none other than the bestest senator in the whole wide world - Family First's Steve Fielding - whipping up a whirlwind of support out front of The Courthouse restaurant on Smith Street.

How in hell did I miss this?

The article, 'Underdog pays local visit' said "one local, while waiting for his wife, even got out of the warmth of his car when he recognised the federal senator and cautiously asked - "are you who I think you are.(sic)"

I tell ya - they're wild for him in these parts. Had I been there, I would've stripped down to undies and dry humped his leg all the way to the post office. Such is the conviction of my infatuation.

Local McMillan Family First candidate Linden Stokes' presence was largely missed, he was obviously being mobbed by screaming fans elsewhere..

Now, take a deep breath, and prepare yourself for rapture:

"We want to get the message out that people have two votes because they don't understand that. Their vote is important and that's where family first is important"

The first sentence is self explanatory: we all know that only those blessed with philanthropic brainpower like Steve's are capable of understanding why we have two votes.

But there's no denying the genius inherent in the second. It took me a couple of reads, but I think I finally cracked it. Let me break it down for you:

'their vote' = important, 'family first' = important, therefore we should've voted for Family First.

Understandably overwhelmed, the local press weren't able to gather their starstruck thoughts and report until three editions of local rag later (two Traders and a Gazette). His belated message rang loud and clear for readers, and I'm sure will be kept in mind all the way until the next election.

I wonder if he dropped in on Chairo Christian College in Drouin to talk creationism...